Digital Mirrors: Narcissism and Identity
How apology videos break our digital illusions and identity (A deeper dive on the Law Roach clip will be in part II)
I.
I stumbled on a clip from Law Roach (celebrity fashion designer for other celebrities such as Zendaya) that offered their candid and vulnerable perspective on romantic relationships.
Anyway, I found this clip a perfect frame for discussing some thoughts I’ve been having on identity…
Here’s the clip:
Interviewer: "I know you're busy and you might not find time to date, but what does one need to go on a date with La Roche?"
Roach: “Okay, that's a really interesting question because I don't really date. Um, this is going to sound probably really sad, but I've always wanted to say this in a public space. I don't think that I was put on this earth for romantic love.
I've always felt, even growing up, that I was put on this earth to be adored and for me to help people and to love people. I don't really feel or desire romantic love. You know, I want to love the masses. So, I know that sounds sad in a way, but ever since I was a little boy, I always had that in my head. So I've never been in a relationship, ever.
I don't date. And every time I try I'm reminded that I don't think this is for me. Mmm. Yeah, sad, right?"
Interviewer: "You know, it's giving Mother Teresa a little bit.
Roach: “Yeah, yeah.”
Interviewer: “But I love that. Yeah. I mean, I feel like we don't really interrogate that within our own lives. You know, I think also a lot of people chase the wrong thing for the wrong reason.”
This is Roach being vulnerable. I want to be clear: I’m not standing on some moral high ground here, casting judgment. This isn't about right or wrong. It's an observation about the shifting ways we express and protect our identity.
We seem to have an increasing need to perform our identity while finding our own understanding of what it means to be 'authentic' or 'authentically ourselves.' How to handle my armchair psychologizing? Do with it what you will.
My point: Roach is expressing his narcissistic self-image.
"What?! Who are you to judge this? From one clip?"
You're right, who am I to judge? I know the comments in the video were quick to judge. I also know many of those comments are much less sympathetic to narcissistic expression and tendencies than I am.
I've been doing this thing recently with people in my life by making the proclamation: I think we are all narcissists.
"No, I've met a narcissist. They're awful and evil people."
Huh, well, that's a rather judgmental, simplistic, and pessimistic perspective.
Now, I want to do some preemptive easing here: I'm aware that narcissistic personality disorder is different from having some characteristic(s) and levels of narcissism. The disorder itself is quite rare, although it's on the rise.
Yes, this exists on a spectrum, and we should identify the extreme cases as a disorder (I guess even though the methods are inevitably questionable). But do we really believe we have an accurate metric on something that heavily relies on its method of expression? Perform yourself for society, or society will not affirm your existence! (says the strange voice from the internet).
If you think that having an identity is an important part of existing in a society, then you also think that some degree of narcissism is essential for existing in said society. Your identity is your method of operating through life’s obstacles; it's your method of making value judgments and understanding desire. Your self-image is your system of self-preservation, and without some level of self-centeredness, you'd have an emotional break with every emotionally vulnerable encounter.
Narcissism acts as a shield against rejection and ego threats. This can help us maintain our own self-esteem, yet when overly indulged, it can make us overly isolated, locked into a fortress of mirrors, making our every action a reflection fueling our self-centeredness.
So, through our need for some level of self-centeredness, we look to protect our identity with some level of narcissism.
II.
"What is narcissism?"
At its core, narcissism involves an intense focus on oneself, characterized by a sense of being the central figure in one's own narrative. This narrative can become overly consuming, leading to a lack of empathy for others and a tendency to view people primarily in terms of how they affect or support one's own image and needs. When overly indulged, it's a tiring and problematic system.
"Why are we becoming more narcissistic though?"
Have you seen what the internet promotes? It’s an infinite mirror maze, each reflection a self-created narrative seeking its own validation. It’s a kaleidoscope of ego-centrism, each mirrored identity reflecting and projecting an expression of self-identity. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom here! I'm not making a moral judgment. I love many aspects of this landscape and enjoy seeing the various expressions. But shouldn't we also stop lying about what this is creating? We all sense it.
What type of person desires the roar of the crowd? The curated images are being tugged and pulled by every ‘like’ and ‘share.’ More, more, more! Perform, perform, perform!
I've got an example of the subconscious understanding of these public para-social relationships being thrown into our conscious awareness. Have you ever watched the endless apology videos on YouTube? These come from YouTubers, celebrities, politicians, and every type of public-facing figure.
Below is an example of one of the worst apology videos I’ve ever seen. Truly, it’s profound how narcissistic and idiotic it is:
Here’s the formula for the apology video, I know you’ve see it before:
Public figure messes up (often by being weird, creepy, or scamming people).
Public figure feels the need to apologize because the public demands recognition of the mistake.
Public figure creates an apology video (insert tears, express that you're sorry, or double down and say the situation is taken out of context).
The public says the apology wasn't genuine and isn't enough.
Public figure waits for a certain period of time and comes back when the public is focused and angry about something else.
Sometimes the public figure tries to return a bit soon, in this case, return to step one.
Rinse. Repeat.
III.
"Wait, wait, why is this relevant to narcissism?"
I'm saying that we already think we are all narcissists; we just want to deny it because who wants to admit that an integral part of how we operate is self-centeredness? Every dryly expressed moral we consume says: self-centeredness is bad.
"I don't want to be bad!"
Don't worry, you're probably not. You're probably not good either.
But anyway, let's not get sidetracked.
A major reason we never accept the authenticity of an apology video is that, in almost every way, we're consuming their image through a screen. Public figures craft their personas meticulously, hiring entire PR teams to figure out how to act and be in the public eye. The screen acts as a barrier, a filter that distorts reality and amplifies narcissistic tendencies. When you watch an apology video, you're not seeing the person—you're seeing a concocted doppelganger, a puppet donned in the skin of authenticity. And we eat it up! We project ourselves into the image and create our own variation.
The barrier between us and the public figure allows us to let our image of them go wild, to become what we want, and often to be protected. Until it's not. This constructed image requires the performance—the act—of an apology after a disruption occurs. Public figures have presented an idealized version of themselves, and when reality shatters this facade, they rush to repair it. Our distrust of these apologies stems from a deep-seated recognition of this artifice! We understand, perhaps subconsciously, that what we're seeing isn't a genuine expression of remorse but a strategic move to reclaim lost credibility.
They presented an identity to you, you interpreted and consumed said identity, and then formulated an identity for them based on that. This process of symbiotic relationships cocoons us from a more raw truth. Our digital space allows us to distance ourselves from that image, protecting it. This allows the symbol to live on! So we exist with these para-social relationships that are, in many ways, a symbiotic relationship between the public figure and their audience. We provide them with a feedback loop: they perform, and we either validate or invalidate their performance.
Around and around and around we go! Ha. Around and around a carousel of our own fantasies and images!
IV.
These images we create perpetuate a cycle of shallow understandings of identity, one based on external validation. The breaking of this image—the exposure of the lie—feels so personal and disappointing to the audience. This reflects our own narcissistic tendencies (I told you we are all narcissists); we crave these idealized versions of others because they help maintain our own curated image.
And when the curtain falls, when the illusion is rudely stripped away, we’re left in an existential freefall.
We find ourselves left with the illusion of intimacy. You do not know internet personalities personally! You probably barely know many people you've known for years on a deep personal level. How well do you really know the people around you? The selective presentation we consume ruptures our understanding of identity and relationships, online and offline.
These illusions are powerful because we help create them; they trap us by tapping into our desire for connection and understanding, yet they are fundamentally flawed. Projection. Assumption. Rinse. Repeat.
So, the apology video is doomed to fail. You inevitably see it as an untrustworthy image trying to be trustworthy and authentic. The illusion falls away (until you bury the realization of its illusion deep enough back into your subconscious).
Once the illusion is thrown into our face by the rupture, we see the inherent contradiction in trying to use a curated medium to convey authenticity. The medium itself undermines the message. When public figures apologize, they are attempting to mend the rupture in their image, but the very act of doing so within the public sphere makes it untrustworthy.
We understand, on some level, that what we're witnessing is an attempt to manipulate our perception. Our defense mechanism activates! We feel fooled. We feel duped.
But let me make my main distinction on why I think the apology videos fail…
This is where we need to dissect the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about recognizing a wrongdoing based on internalized values, while shame is about the exposure of one's flaws to others. "I feel bad about this" vs. "I am bad."
Guilt and shame are not the same. Guilt arises from recognizing that one's actions have caused harm, an internal acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Shame, however, is tied to identity and the fear of being seen as fundamentally flawed. So, when we see public figures apologizing, we often interpret their remorse as shame rather than guilt. This is partly because the public nature of the apology makes it about their identity—their image—rather than the harm they've caused.
Our response is less about the content of the apology and more about our perception of their identity. We are less likely to forgive because we see their apology as a desperate attempt to salvage their image and absolve themselves of their felt shame, rather than being a sincere expression of guilt.
Do you see the irony? The very notion of the ‘apology video’ exposes the narcissistic underbelly of our digital landscape; it’s the mirror that we’d rather smash than face, that’s why we choose to forget, and leave reality for the illusions. An inherent flaw the apology video makes us face is the narcissism that our internet, algorithms, and digital spaces promote both in public figures and ourselves.
This is bleeding into our interactions offline, so now, our interactions offline and online are dominated by projections and performances, creating a world where genuine connection seems rare. The public apology is just one expression of this broader trend, a symptom of a society increasingly trapped in its own projections and images within glass objects.
Well…
I think I’ll need a Part II. Next time maybe I’ll get to some more thoughts on the Roach clip. Whoops.
Stay curious.
For the first few minutes of the video, I was just as disgusted by the contrivance and fakery as you were. Who the hell apologizes like that? But then I Googled her and found out what had happened. She was falsely accused of “child grooming” and “child sexual predation.” Even her accusers admitted that she did nothing wrong. Her offense was mailing a piece of clothing to a fan who … asked her to mail him a piece of clothing.
As you surely know from your cultural analyses, America is absolutely enthralled by child sexual fantasies and especially “child sexual assault.” Our appetite for child sex crime (the infinite crime) and its correlate (infinite punishment) is so strong that reality cannot sate it, so we project it onto any barely plausible target. Child sexual abuse is everywhere in the Spectacle, even under pizza shops, but nowhere in reality. In the 80s we fantasized about raping babies for Satan; after that, just raping babies out of natural evil; and now we’re raping babies for Satan again, but it’s led by “Jews” and “liberals” and done because “adrenochrome” works like Botox.
We are so desirous of its occurrence that we’ve forced over 230,000 children as young as seven on the sex offender registry. The crime? Consensual mutual self-rape. In 20 states, when two 13 year-old have sex, both are arrested for child molestation; both are labeled as child predators on put on the registry; and both are sent to therapy for being victims of child sexual assault.
Unfortunately for Fox and Alex Jones and Q and the Trumpers, there are no child-abuse sex rings or paedo-satanic adrenochrome undergrounds or child molestation crises. But our fevered imaginations tell us that there must be. Given that massive collective hunger, it doesn’t take much to become a fantasy-projection target canvas. All it takes is one false accusation (followed by a few thousand affirmations by gullible child-sex-fantasy maniacs) and your life is over.
And that’s what happened to the woman in the video.
Here’s a thought experiment. If you were Jewish or educated or liberal or simply famous (“Hollywood is a paedophile ring”) and I was a Trumper or Alex Jones lover or Fox-News believer, and I accused you of joining Hilary Clinton and her liberal Jewish friends for a weekend of raping children, sacrificing them to Satan, and then drinking their blood for the “adrenochrome”—which is something that educated people, Jews, and other negro-lovers do every day in order to stay young and please Lord Satan—how sincerely would you apologize for all the raping, killing, eating, and blood drinking that “you” “do?”
Similarly, if I discovered that you sent a 13 year-old boy a bra (that he asked for) when you were 20 and then floated the idea that you were “grooming” him—i.e., that you were psychically “raping” him in order physically rape him ASAP—how un-self-conscious would your apology be? How authentic and sincere would your amends-making speech act be to your non-victim?Would it be ridiculously and self-consciously contrived and “narcissistic?” Or would it be truly authentic and from the heart?
There are now a MILLION registered sex offenders in the US, 80% of whom never harmed anyone to begin with, and 97% of whom will never commit a sex crime in the future. In fact, we have known for over a decade that people on the sex offender registry are actually less likely to commit a sex offense than people NOT on the registry.
But this is America, land of the Spectacle and of the hyper-real, where fantasy/marketing take precedence over reality. People get killed for being on the sex offender registry in the US—because being forced to wear a yellow star is enough. The state-sponsored label is the most real thing of all. It signifies a metaphysical predator essence—as metaphysical and essential as “race.”
In conclusion, given the fact that the mob was trying to accuse her of baby rape, her song wasn’t biting or sarcastic enough. Being falsely accused of child molestation is already traumatic. But having 10,000 drooling agreers praying for a public execution takes it to another level.
I hate the fake humans that our marketing-saturated culture has created, but this woman was being terrorized.
End of line.
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